What’s New Pussycat?

I am not a cat person.

Don’t get me wrong.

I never used a cigarette to make a girlfriend’s cat’s tail smolder. That was an ex-brother-in-law.

On rare occasions, like the two times when a cat actually came to me when I called it, I have petted a cat.

And I’m OK with kittens. In fact, I fondly remember Kitty No. 1, who my university roommate inherited, as it clung to my German Shepherd’s chest as he walked around our apartment.

But on the whole, I don’t like cats.

Blame it on Midnight.

I was maybe 7 years old, barefoot and wearing cutoffs at a neighbor’s house when I accidentally stepped in the middle of a black cat named Midnight.

I might as well have stepped into a shredder.

After having both legs shred, I leaped straight up onto the neighbor’s top bunk bed and completely froze, except for the bleeding.

The neighbor wrapped his arm in a blanket and ever-so-slowly crawled up to the hissing pussycat which then shredded the blanket and his arm.

Now, I am not one to generalize about all cats because of the behavior of one black cat.

But I think it’s fair to say that, while dogs are domesticated wolves which are smart, loving and wonderful, cats are demon-beasts-from-hell.

In general.

So you can understand me questioning the authenticity of this You Tube video sent to me by a high school friend who is way shorter than me but lies a lot about growing taller in university.

If you click on the link, you will see the clown porn sent to me by my nameless friend — Sudie — and you will know what I am talking about.

Wait, that clown porn thing is from thebloggess. Not from Sudie. Who is the short liar who must remain anonymous, as per this blog’s strict policy.

The link is allegedly of an SPCA-sanctioned tricks contest between a cat named “Kaiser” and a dog named “Nana”.

The fact that the “cat” does tricks, seems nice, and not even once shreds the owner’s legs, convinces me that it is either an aluminum robot (I mean, c’mon, “Kaiser“), or possibly a Shih-Tzu in a catsuit.

Even if the cat was smart enough to do tricks (OK, we concede cats are smart), we all know that a cat would never actually do a trick.

Except if you are talking about the kind of trick that a friend did when he wiggled a ribbon against the back of his sister’s leg in 1964 which caused his cat to pounce and draw sister-blood.

Yes, that was a great trick, and my friend should, any day now, stop being grounded.

But other than that, we all know that cats don’t do tricks.

OK, so there are two cats that can do tricks, not counting Kaiser the aluminum robot.

But my friend’s sister’s bloody leg and the horse featured in the above link, who was doubtless eaten alive after the trick, are testament to the fact that cats are, wait, what was our point?

Oh yes.

If I could quickly summarize our learnings from today, they would be:

o Cats are hideously evil creatures and people who own them should be shredded

o Sudie is a big fat liar

o Clown Porn would be a great name for a rock band.

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* Well, it’s really a hog with a broken broomstick glued to its head but it will eat cats.

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6 Responses to “What’s New Pussycat?”

  1. Vesta Vayne says:

    I am a dog person, but I have had cats too. I’d like to get another one, but the whole litter box thing prevents me from doing so.

    Plus, even if I leave for 30 seconds to get the mail, my dogs are happy when I walk back through the door. Cats don’t care.

    Hmmm, maybe I don’t like cats after all.

  2. Kris says:

    I like cats, but I have had bad luck with cats. This bad luck includes, but is not limited to . . .

    1) A house covered in cat-sneezed mucus.
    2) A cat that ate our closet door.
    3) A cat that broke its leg in several places by jumping into a fan.
    4) A cat that went batshit-crazy and had to be locked in our garage, where it stalked shadows and attacked anyone who tried to do laundry or park a car.
    5) A cat who was declawed but then grew a huge deformed single curved nail out of the top of its foot . . . a medical freak-show of disgustingness that no fewer three surgeries were unable to rectify.
    6) A cat who, when asked to take a short road-trip, went insane and climbed up into the workings of the car’s upholstery, required said upholstery’s disassembling.
    7) A cat who ripped the SHIT out a friend who agreed to catsit while we were away on vacation (to be fair . . . the friend was high as a kite at the time and likely bore some of the responsibility for the bleeding).
    8) A cat who lived in our kitchen cupboards and would not be convinced that the rest of our house was safe for cat habitation.
    9) A cat who peed on every single thing that smelled of our second infant daughter, including her bedding, her toys, and said baby herself.

    Sigh . . . Even given all of this, I would probably have a cat if my second daughter wasn’t violently allergic to them.

    Just as well.

    Seriously.

    • Kris says:

      Oh, I hate that the #8 turned into a smiley face. Can everyone see that? I hate that. I am not a smiley-face woman. ANNOYING.

    • hams says:

      There is ‘good insane’ and there is ‘bad insane’. Good insane is PrettyAllTrue. Bad insane is using little happy faces next to comments about evil cats. We know you are subliminally messing with our minds. We will not be twisted to the dark side that meows.

      And just a thought, if you do get another cat, it too will be evil, but possibly not so mental if you don’t bath it in the dishwasher and dry it in the microwave. I think that might be part of your cat problems…

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