Considering that everyone in the universe is now self-published on the interwebz, an epidemic of writer’s block might be a good thing. But nevertheless, here are 10 sure-fire ways to explode writer’s block, get way rich, and win at least nine Pulitzer prizes by noon.
1. Sit calmly. Think of peaceful things. Lakes, rivers, mountains. Take a deep breathe in, and slowly exhale. Guys, now think of Beyonce, Angelina Jolie and Eva Mendes. Nekkid. Very good, class. Ladies, think of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. Nekkid. Now everyone, think of Oprah, Orson Welles and Lulu from Hee-Haw. Nekkid. If this does not give you something to write about, and possibly seek counseling over, we will eat our shorts.
2. Open your web browser. Type in the first thing that pops into your mind. Do NOT type in “Oprah nekkid”. Trust us. OK, clear your mind. Relax. Do NOT think of Oprah nekkid. Stop it! Quick, go to Wikipedia. Type in the name of your home town, e.g. Norman, Oklahoma. Boring. OK, go to YouTube and type in “get fit”, then “Jello wrestling”, then “Shake Weights”. Now write about whatever comes into your mind… Seriously? You thought about THAT. Ack.
3. In one corner, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Barney Fife, I mean, Barney Frank. They are dressed in light blue World Wrestling Federation lycrasuits. With just a hint of pink. In the other corner are George W. “Dubya” Bush, Glenn Beck and the entire Fox News Team, dressed in Red lycra, with an array of firearms. A bell sounds, and all hell erupts. Chairs are being smashed over heads. Eyes are gouged. Testicles kicked. Gunshots ring out. And that’s on the Senate floor. Here in the WWF ring, these teams are auditioning for “So You Think You Can Rassle?” How would you introduce them? Using only a bullhorn and taser.
4. Go to the basement and find the pile of old magazines. Not THOSE magazines. Yeesh, some of you people… Recent issues of National Geographic, Sports Illustrated or ‘O’ (not the issue where Oprah and Gail are nude sunbathing.) Look at the ads. How are they different than the ads you grew up with in the Sixties or Seventies, especially in the areas of fashion, tobacco and alcohol? If you cannot remember these decades. Dude. Maybe write about lavalamps.
5. Go to the library. Check out any book by Dave Barry. Write something about any topic that he has written on. But make it FUNNIER! Kick his ass! Done? After you’ve slit your wrists and gulped down a Costco-size bottle of aspirin, but before the paramedics arrive, write an essay about your last trip to Costco. Including the 60-year-old man with the serious butt crack. The 400-pound woman with the thong. If you were their therapist, and on the Jerry Springer show, how would you help them? What color chair would you hurl at their heads?
6. Pretend you are a big, powerful TV producer. Money is no object. You can produce any TV program that you want. Anything! Sports, leisure, documentary? No problems. And since you are a guy, you choose to create a reality TV program involving a top team of plastic surgeons, 600 breast implants, Pamela Anderson and every hot Russian gymnast or ice skater from the last two Olympics. Now quickly write out three tribal challenges involving large implants, small bikinis, pole dancing and Pamela Anderson. If you are a woman, you can include chapters on Jimmy Choo shoes, frocks and Sex in the City stars.
7. Pain. We all have aches and pains. But thousands of people suffer from chronic, relentless pain. This is a HUGE socially important area that is begging for writers. Your preparation. Slam your head in the fridge door really hard. Every 60 seconds for 10 minutes. Each time, when your head is in the freezer, lick the metal side and quickly pull your tongue away. Get a Brazilian. With a dull, gardening trowel. Apply alcohol. Set your left hand on fire. Put it out with a brick. Now, with your good hand, write! Feel the burn!
8. Love makes the world go round. And rips your guts out like a long sausage. Now, think about your husband of wife. Boyfriend or girlfriend. Or favorite pet if you must. What have they ever done that touched your heart, made you want to weep, or prompted you to call a divorce lawyer who advertizes on TV at 3 a.m.? How does that memory make you feel? Especially after smoking crack and loading your shotgun? If that person were sitting here with you now (your partner, or pet, not the divorce lawyer), what would you tell him or her? What would you do? Especially if you were holding the first lovely gift they ever gave you. Or a lop-sided divorce settlement and the shotgun. Or possibly a flame thrower. Begin Chapter One: Love Sucks and Burns.
9. Go through your oldest emails. The ones sent years ago, before your sex change and conversion to Scientology. Before that summer vacation in the volcano. With Tom Cruise and Xenu. If you could go back to that simpler time, what changes in your life might you make? Changes that would give you new skills, better friends, broader horizons. Changes that would have kept you out of Congress?
10. Still blocked? After trying all nine suggestions above? Really? Hmmm. OK, here’s the final, never-miss secret strategy for overcoming writer’s block. Go to a book signing, and arrange for a personal chat with a famous author. In their home. Over bottles of wine. And possibly heroin. Get them to show you their latest, unpublished novel. Then lock them in the basement and shut off the heat. When the screaming stops, type your name at the top of the manuscript’s page.
Voila, you are a published author with NO writer’s block.
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